wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
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