dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
