I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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