Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Randomize
