i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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