Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
Randomize
