she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Randomize
