Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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