I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Randomize
