I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
