5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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