yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
My ATM looks so different sober.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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