im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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