I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Randomize
