they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
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