i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Randomize
