Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Too much dab too little lung dying 😵😵😵
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
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