I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
