Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Randomize
