dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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