i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
Randomize
