alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
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Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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