smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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