Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
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