And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
His nipple licking is glorious
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