when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
Randomize
