so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize
