I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Houston, we have a blender
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
