that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
Randomize
