I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
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