Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
