They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
