I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
