I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
