The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Randomize
