Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
do you think women who transgender themselves have the option of getting a circumcised or an uncircumcised dick?
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Randomize
