It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
I just gift wrapped bread.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
My vagina is very pro this idea
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
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