when I scratched it gently some sort of watery looking stuff came out...so then I just stopped thinknig about it.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Randomize
