I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Randomize
