you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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