One girl and one boy is just not enough.
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
