i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
