Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
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