Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
