I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
