everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
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