his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
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