All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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