checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
Randomize
