do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Randomize
