Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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