Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
