Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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